Wednesday, February 19, 2014

How Nuts Saved My Life



Somebody included me in a closed social media group of runners from church. I could kill them already.
Seeing all the posts of how many miles everyone does on a daily basis and how they encourage each other motivated me to hit the trail.
I started this weekend and have done 3.3 miles every time. I figured to just do the same distance and then work on the time. It's a start.
Today was my third time to walk.
I hated it. It was terrible. I've been re-thinking this whole deal. Maybe I should delete myself from the group cause they definitely don't want to hear what I have to say about exercising today.

The whole walk started off bad. I had decided to walk close to home today because I had supper cooking in the oven. A friend had told me about an app that would track my steps, distance & calories burned. That took as long as my run would to enter all the information and get started.
I came out of my driveway and immediately my shins were SCREAMING profanities to me.
The inner debate started, "just push through it Amy, it will stop soon" vs. "Amy, you shouldn't hurt this bad, you're going to injure yourself again". It was like the little devil on one shoulder and the little angel on the other and I was forced to choose sides.

All the while this dude in my phone won't shut up about how far I've gone and how slow I am.
Then to top it off the app starts playing downloads in my phone as motivation for running. I didn't even know I had downloads in my phone.
I knew it would take just as long to stop and try to figure out how to shut it up as it would to just keep walking and get home sooner.

I pushed on. As I kept going, getting farther from home, I began to wonder if I didn't return, would anyone come looking for me. My thought was I needed to get at least 1.7 miles away from my house then turn around and go back to achieve my goal. The problem was 1.7 miles felt like it was never coming.

I tried to distract myself by looking at all the yards and landscaping but nothing seemed to work. Just when I felt like I was getting close to the halfway mark, I had a sudden, uncontrollable, frantic feel of hunger.
Seriously, I was starving, immediately.
The next thing that took place is almost embarrassing to write about. I laugh now just writing it.

If you could picture that little bug-eyed squirrel thing from Ice Age running around with that one nut trying franticly to protect it and crack it open...yep, that was me.

I saw a pecan laying on the side of the road and I immediately scooped it up like a hawk would grab a rat in a freshly cut hay field. I walked a few feet and then wondered how am I going to crack this thing? I need another one and quick! Or a rock, yeah a rock that would do too.
And wouldn't you know it, I could find nothing. Not one solid rock. I begin to panic. I NEED FOOD, I'm sure I'm going to die alone out here by myself and it's all because of this blasted social group! Who added me to that thing!!!!????
For fear of dragging the walk out longer than I wanted I kept going, looking to and fro - for any solid matter that would suffice to crack open my much needed nutritional snack to get me home.
I had an idea. I dropped the pecan down on the payment and began to stomp it. Nothing. I stomped it again. Nothing. Then it might have been a little overkill when I began to jump up and down continuously, over and over. I might have let out a scream.
Nothing.
I'm devastated.

I grab my nut and look around briefly to see if anyone witnessed the 'nut stomping' display that just happened, and moved on. Maybe someone will think I'm crazy and call the cops and they will come pick me up and take me home, or to jail, at this point I don't care.

Now let's not forget the app playing my downloads all this time, over and over.

I get to my half way point and as I make the turn, I notice a small pecan. The angels in heaven rejoiced. I was sure I could hear them sing, "Hallelujah, Hallelujah!!!". I ran. Yes I said it. I ran. I ran that whole 5 feet like Forrest Gump running across Alabama. Grabbed that nut and started cracking.

I'm cracking away while listening to Dino Rizzo's Christmas sermon for the SECOND time. Then it broke open and my delight in knowing that I would live to see another day turned to a teeth grinding, furious, frantic cry of "NNNNOOOOOO!!"
It was rotten!!!! I was carrying around a rotten nut.
Then I wondered if my new nut might be edible. So the whole hunt to find something to crack the new nut open began all over.

Long story short it was rotten too. And I was all alone. Except Dino.

After the nut fiasco I was more than 3/4 of the way home. I began to think that I could make it. And I did.

I bolted in the house and threw open the pantry doors and grabbed the first thing I could stuff in my mouth. Redskin Spanish Peanuts w/ Sea Salt. I looked like someone from a third world nation that hadn't had food in weeks. I was cramming as many nuts in my mouth that it would hold. As I'm standing there scarfing down my nuts, my oldest child walks up to me like he normally would and innocently asks for some.
My head turns violently toward him and shouts "NO! Get your own nuts!".

Ok I admit I'm laughing now. But at the time, I thought I was going to die!!!
I ran out the front door with my nuts, cramming them in my mouth. He chases me and is now only begging for 2 nuts. Still I refuse his request.


I stood out in the middle of my front lawn and finished every last nut in that container. And I'm not ashamed. I now felt like I was going to live to see another day.

I left right after my experience to go to my Life Group. I entered the doors a little slow and greeted everyone. Stood around and talked for few minutes then excused myself to go wash my hands and prepare for a night of fellowship and fun. As I stood in front of the mirror washing my hands my mind was going over the last hour of my life and I was nodding to the mirror in a brief moment of "Yeah, I ran today, I owned that pavement" and then I smiled. I let out the biggest laugh. It was loud enough that everyone heard me in the other room.

My teeth were FULL and I'm not joking, FULL of redskins from the peanuts!!!
I had to laugh. Nothing is ever simple with me. It's always a riot. It's always an adventure.




Thursday, February 6, 2014

Kids, do you know what your parents are listening to??!!!

I am terrible about staying up with the times. Terrible.
I also have terrible hearing. Terrible.
When we are home, there is usually either a bang, bang, shoot 'em up game being played on the xbox or some kinda cartoon.
When I'm home alone, the last thing I want is to watch the blasted t.v. I have to turn it up so loud that it's not enjoyable even to me.
When we are all in the car together, we are usually talking. About everything or anything.
When I am in the car by myself, it is complete silence. Peace.
And I love it.

On the odd chance that I hear a song that I like, I mention it to someone like my sister, who has mounds and mounds of music, she just laughs and says, "Amy, thats been out for looooong time".
That's why I'm stuck in the 70's & 80's.

Super Bowl Sunday I like to watch the commericals and the half time show.
So I'm sitting on the couch and embarassingly have no idea who this ethnic looking band is. I'm thinking, "they have to be somebody big cause they are, you know, playing in the super bowl".

Long story short, I find out they are Bruno Mars. And apparently I've lost my mind too cause I thought Red Hot Chili Peppers were girls, eeekkkkkk!!! I'm so out of the loop.

I watched the show and really enjoyed it. I thought this was one of the better half time shows that I could remember. No wardrobe malfunctions, no twerking, no embarassing clothing, (except the RHCP w/out a shirt). All in all a good show.

Then Monday morning I wake up and for some odd reason I start singing, "oh yeah yeah, oh yeah yeah yeah, cause you make me feel like, I been locked out of heaven for too long, for too long". Thats it. I can't remember anything else.
I sing it ALL DAY. When I'm home. When I pick up the kids. When I cook supper. All day.
Then I sing it all day Tuesday. All day.
I finally decided that my small series of words is just starting to get annoying. So I decided to google the lyrics so I could learn all the words to my new favorite song.
OH MY GOODNESS!!!
I was sitting at my computer with bug eyes thinking "oh no, I sang that song in Sams, Wal-mart, Winn-Dixie, Church, to my kids, oh dear."
But it said the word "heaven"...

I picked up the kids Wednesday from school and immedately said, "do you guys know the words to that song I've been singing?"
Graham says, "yeah Mom, it's a bad song".
"Why didn't you tell me?! I've been singing that darn song for two & half days!!", I asked.

Usually parent & teenage conversations go the other way around. Usually it's the parents that should know what their kids are doing, watching or listening to. But not in our household.
Because I can't hear well, I listen to the beat most of the time. I can sometimes understand a few words, but for the most part, I just hear the melody.

From now on my kids have been instructed to ALWAYS tell me if I'm humming or singing something bad or inappropriate.
So for all you that heard me, have mercy for the hearing impaired, I'm an idiot, but why they gotta make the most addictive songs have such terrible messages?