Wednesday, February 19, 2014

How Nuts Saved My Life

Somebody included me in a closed social media group of runners from church. I could kill them already.
Seeing all the posts of how many miles everyone does on a daily basis and how they encourage each other motivated me to hit the trail.
I started this weekend and have done 3.3 miles every time. I figured to just do the same distance and then work on the time. It's a start.
Today was my third time to walk.
I hated it. It was terrible. I've been re-thinking this whole deal. Maybe I should delete myself from the group cause they definitely don't want to hear what I have to say about exercising today.

The whole walk started off bad. I had decided to walk close to home today because I had supper cooking in the oven. A friend had told me about an app that would track my steps, distance & calories burned. That took as long as my run would to enter all the information and get started.
I came out of my driveway and immediately my shins were SCREAMING profanities to me.
The inner debate started, "just push through it Amy, it will stop soon" vs. "Amy, you shouldn't hurt this bad, you're going to injure yourself again". It was like the little devil on one shoulder and the little angel on the other and I was forced to choose sides.

All the while this dude in my phone won't shut up about how far I've gone and how slow I am.
Then to top it off the app starts playing downloads in my phone as motivation for running. I didn't even know I had downloads in my phone.
I knew it would take just as long to stop and try to figure out how to shut it up as it would to just keep walking and get home sooner.

I pushed on. As I kept going, getting farther from home, I began to wonder if I didn't return, would anyone come looking for me. My thought was I needed to get at least 1.7 miles away from my house then turn around and go back to achieve my goal. The problem was 1.7 miles felt like it was never coming.

I tried to distract myself by looking at all the yards and landscaping but nothing seemed to work. Just when I felt like I was getting close to the halfway mark, I had a sudden, uncontrollable, frantic feel of hunger.
Seriously, I was starving, immediately.
The next thing that took place is almost embarrassing to write about. I laugh now just writing it.

If you could picture that little bug-eyed squirrel thing from Ice Age running around with that one nut trying franticly to protect it and crack it open...yep, that was me.

I saw a pecan laying on the side of the road and I immediately scooped it up like a hawk would grab a rat in a freshly cut hay field. I walked a few feet and then wondered how am I going to crack this thing? I need another one and quick! Or a rock, yeah a rock that would do too.
And wouldn't you know it, I could find nothing. Not one solid rock. I begin to panic. I NEED FOOD, I'm sure I'm going to die alone out here by myself and it's all because of this blasted social group! Who added me to that thing!!!!????
For fear of dragging the walk out longer than I wanted I kept going, looking to and fro - for any solid matter that would suffice to crack open my much needed nutritional snack to get me home.
I had an idea. I dropped the pecan down on the payment and began to stomp it. Nothing. I stomped it again. Nothing. Then it might have been a little overkill when I began to jump up and down continuously, over and over. I might have let out a scream.
I'm devastated.

I grab my nut and look around briefly to see if anyone witnessed the 'nut stomping' display that just happened, and moved on. Maybe someone will think I'm crazy and call the cops and they will come pick me up and take me home, or to jail, at this point I don't care.

Now let's not forget the app playing my downloads all this time, over and over.

I get to my half way point and as I make the turn, I notice a small pecan. The angels in heaven rejoiced. I was sure I could hear them sing, "Hallelujah, Hallelujah!!!". I ran. Yes I said it. I ran. I ran that whole 5 feet like Forrest Gump running across Alabama. Grabbed that nut and started cracking.

I'm cracking away while listening to Dino Rizzo's Christmas sermon for the SECOND time. Then it broke open and my delight in knowing that I would live to see another day turned to a teeth grinding, furious, frantic cry of "NNNNOOOOOO!!"
It was rotten!!!! I was carrying around a rotten nut.
Then I wondered if my new nut might be edible. So the whole hunt to find something to crack the new nut open began all over.

Long story short it was rotten too. And I was all alone. Except Dino.

After the nut fiasco I was more than 3/4 of the way home. I began to think that I could make it. And I did.

I bolted in the house and threw open the pantry doors and grabbed the first thing I could stuff in my mouth. Redskin Spanish Peanuts w/ Sea Salt. I looked like someone from a third world nation that hadn't had food in weeks. I was cramming as many nuts in my mouth that it would hold. As I'm standing there scarfing down my nuts, my oldest child walks up to me like he normally would and innocently asks for some.
My head turns violently toward him and shouts "NO! Get your own nuts!".

Ok I admit I'm laughing now. But at the time, I thought I was going to die!!!
I ran out the front door with my nuts, cramming them in my mouth. He chases me and is now only begging for 2 nuts. Still I refuse his request.

I stood out in the middle of my front lawn and finished every last nut in that container. And I'm not ashamed. I now felt like I was going to live to see another day.

I left right after my experience to go to my Life Group. I entered the doors a little slow and greeted everyone. Stood around and talked for few minutes then excused myself to go wash my hands and prepare for a night of fellowship and fun. As I stood in front of the mirror washing my hands my mind was going over the last hour of my life and I was nodding to the mirror in a brief moment of "Yeah, I ran today, I owned that pavement" and then I smiled. I let out the biggest laugh. It was loud enough that everyone heard me in the other room.

My teeth were FULL and I'm not joking, FULL of redskins from the peanuts!!!
I had to laugh. Nothing is ever simple with me. It's always a riot. It's always an adventure.

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