Birthdays & Loss

Birthdays - you either love 'em or hate 'em. Age seems to be the deciding factor. I always say, "your only as old as you act", which explains a lot in my case. I still act like I'm in my twenties. Now, I didn't say I FELT like I was in my twenties, but I still act like a crazy kid sometimes.
But these last couple of birthdays have been extremely hard for me. Up until now, I didn't really talk about it. But my birthday reminds me of a great loss. It's funny because usually you don't remember the loss of a loved one on your own birthday, you usually remember them on theirs. But this one is different.
My Uncle Curtis was special. Not because he had down syndrome. Not because he insisted on kissing you EVERY time he saw you. Not because he never met a stranger (and yes, kissed them too).
He always loved unconditionally. We said he was "the glue that held the family together".
Birthdays were HIS thing. It was the funniest thing. He didn't have any kind of "smarts", like books, reading or writing BUT if he came over to your house and you had a calendar...He would mark every single 19th of each month on the calendar with a big "X". His birthday was the 19th of May but he marked every month anyway.
If it was ever anybody else birthday in the family and we got together he was furious. No one was allowed a birthday but him. Oh, and try singing the birthday song to someone other than him, and you were definitely not getting anymore kisses from him for awhile.
Once I rented the entire Skate Castle for Miles' birthday. I had decorated the entire snack area with dinosaurs and such on every table, had the place looking great. While we were all off skating Curtis came and threw every single decoration in the trash because we were celebrating someone else birthday.
He came to stay with us for awhile several years ago and we were having a big Youth Party. It was in December & we had planned a bonfire, hayride, "the works". He told all the youth it was his birthday and they believed him. So we turned the entire night into his birthday party. The same for 4th of July, Memorial Day, etc. You couldn't have a get together without Curtis thinking it was "my birthday".
He probably knew the whole time exactly when "his birthday" was, but he just loved all the attention and just thought, "if these crazy people are going to get together might as well be for me". :)
So, now I find myself having a hard time celebrating "my birthday". I love the days leading up to it, but just the day itself seems so hard. I told myself I was going to do better this year. I guess it just takes time. I really do miss him. My family talks about him all the time. We talk about the funny things he used to do and say.
This year the kids are out of school so maybe we'll have a day filled with things that Curtis loved...changing the trash, wrestling, one dollar bills, the beach, eating, singing, church, and kissing everyone we meet while we tell them, "it's been a looong time."